I've had a lot on my mind recently. The biggest thing is this (and this would be the personal part): I'm feeling pretty alone. Alone, lonely, all the same thing. Which leads me to think about much bigger things particularly in the future. After I (finally) graduate from Truman, I want to be able to go wherever the wind may take me. I don't care if it's NYC, Florida, Vegas, wherever, it doesn't matter, I want to be able to pick up and go and work wherever I can find a good paying performance gig. There's one major glitch in that plan: a personal life. I feel like it's not fair for me to try to meet someone now and then in the next year say, "Oh, well, I can't physically be with you unless you want to travel God-knows-where with me." But at the same time I refuse to give up my career goals. So this leaves me in a conundrum. I want to be with someone at this point in my life, I truly do, whether or not it's really serious. I just want to be with someone. But what if that happens and it *does* turn serious? Am I going to be forced to choose between my personal and professional life? I feel like the chances of meeting someone willing to go along with that kind of career goal of mine is very slim. And it's not fair on my part to ask someone to have to put up with such a volatile career plan. I have no idea what to do, and I'm afraid to talk to guys in fear that something great could happen and then I'll have to give it up. Well, I don't have the best luck talking to guys anyway, lol, and I can never tell what they really think of me if they do strike up a conversation. So far nothing has ever happened on the guy front of my life, so maybe I'll just have to wait and see? Perhaps that's best.
There's another thing about guys too, and trust me this is weird for me cuz I'm not the "girly" type who sits around and chats about this subject. I feel like it's only ever possible to meet the type of guy who's into only either the "artsy" side of me or the "country" side of me. I have yet to meet any person of the opposite sex who shares both of those aspects the way I do. Typically, "artsy" types of guys have a hard time embracing the "country" side of things, and vice-versa. So what's a girl to do? Because there's no way in hell I'd ever give up either aspect of my personality, and I don't think I should ever have to feel like I need to. I want a guy who can stand having intellectual conversations about the complexities of German opera and then be able to turn on the TV and enjoy watching "Trick My Truck" on CMT (of course that's a very extreme scenario, but you get the idea). I feel that there's hardly any men in the world who could truly enjoy riding horseback on a trail as much as they do going to the theatre or a recital. Let's just say I'm waiting for someone to prove me wrong. :)
I'm also waiting for someone to prove that guys aren't just about they way a girl is on the outside. Obviously I know this is a horrible stereotype for guys and most men I know are not like that at all. But then, there are those who prove the reason there's a stereotype in the first place. Case in point, I was out a few weeks ago just hanging out with some people, some I knew and some I didn't, and a group of people I didn't know came in. This one guy comes in, pretty outgoing and conversational, and me and him and a couple others just start chatting. I thought he seemed pretty cool and we went outside to chat some more. Then he became a "guy." He *smoothly* asked what my plans were for the next day (and dammit I should've said I was going to church, because that was actually the truth and would've been really funny to me), but I just said I had to get up early. And then he says it..."You wanna take me home with you?" My reaction: "Uhhhh....gonna have to say *no* to that, sorry..." It's in that moment that I realize talking alone to guys I've never met before is generally a bad idea because I must give off some vibe that indicates I would do something like that, which makes me laugh because it shows how they obviously have no idea who I am at all. Oh, and of course he just up and leaves the place with hardly another word. Well gee, sorry I refused to be your booty call...jerk. So this brings up another conundrum: how are girls supposed to meet guys? I mean seriously? In my head, the ideal way is a natural falling into it, ya know, meeting through mutual friends, hanging out amidst friends, becoming friends yourselves and getting to know a person, and THEN getting into something more serious. Maybe I live in some la-la-land where I like to believe that can happen. Is it really weird to want to be friends first? It's what makes the most sense to me, because if you're friends first then you know so much more about each other's personalities and likes/dislikes and yadda-yadda. So anyway, that's my philosophy on the ideal match up.
I hope this blog isn't too much information, or TMI as I prefer to call it, but it sums up everything going on in my head right now pretty well. And honestly, it feels good to let things out, even if it is via keyboard. I think I now understand why people like to blog so much, lol. Now I must go to bed because it's officially Easter Sunday and I will be at church in 9 hours, so I better get shakin. I'm pretty excited that I'll get to see the fam for Easter after all; me and the momma and brother are meeting up in Columbia for some brunch once I'm done at mass here in K-ville. Then it's off to rehearsal...and the hell that is rest of this week shall begin, but I won't let it get me down! Ride on and persevere.
